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Forward-Looking Disclaimer: The correlations shown herein should not be construed as investment advice, financial guidance, or evidence that our algorithm understands statistics. Correlation is not causation. Past spuriousness does not guarantee future spuriousness. The Algorithm is not a licensed financial advisor, registered investment analyst, or, frankly, a particularly sophisticated system. All data sourced from publicly available government databases. This is satire. Please do not make financial decisions based on this chart.